sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
