A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
