I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
