Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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