Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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