We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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