my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
