I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
