my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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