Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
