3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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