I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
