God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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