Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
