I got chris browned last night
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
