you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
