do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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