Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
