I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
