I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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