just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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