We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
