I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
