I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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