i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
