and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
