I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
