So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
