Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We smell like vodka and hangover
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
