I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
