she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
