I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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