I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
