i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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