I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
