just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
