Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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