Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
