You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
