Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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