I am puke
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
