Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
