Can Purell be used as lube?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
