you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
