You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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