i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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