now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
