can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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