I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
