it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
